a douchebag and his dossier through his lense, words and music
in fighting his demons
and then you realised you have been sitting in front of the computer, getting baked and listening to john legend and beyonce. frank ocean and charlie winston.
and you feel like you want to do so much. and all of it. will you?
round and round it goes. and then you get stuck. and then you are back free.
and every worthless word can’t seem to shake off the pain.
My heart is aching where only imagination can describe what’s going on in my heart, my brain, the entity of my feelings, if ever it would be in a solid form.
overcoming addiction. russell brand.
its been too long.
end of last year i went to urbanscapes to catch yuna, and i wanted to prove to myself and to others that there are as much excitement out there on my home turf.
the big boys ruled and played by the rule. areas were barricaded where they were present with signages that ‘you’ are not allowed in. a bigot was playing god, dismissing people of certain labels, in this case dismissing our own from entering into the only area in the entire field where people could relax.
i fucking hate it. there i said it. sexists, racists, extremists. you create this community and society.
4 private posts since my last:
#1: October 9th
Today I feel sad, through my belongings,
To keep, to throw, of the things no one understands.
I cant let go.
Crawling into a cupboard,
Lie down on the bottom shelf,
Leaving the door open,
Lying down on the carpeted floor,
Chest down, legs & arms wide open.
While I was packing in the office, among the notebooks flipped read: “drunken words are sober thoughts. Listen carefully.”
I cant remember when I wrote that and why. And how far is this true.
Melancholy all around. I’m hoarding. I’m going home to be reminded of thing I forgot. But I don’t want to forget the person I have become. And I hope the things I am keeping with me will remind me of who I am right now.
My last private entry since then was October 17th, wondering on a saying that goes; people say if the person that crossed your path is your kind of person, you are bound to meet again twice. And I was worried that I have used up my quotas and misses them.
Well I headed up north last year end and met up with 2 friends which I’ve technically only met once just 2 months since I left The Netherlands. And I have met up with Andy just a month ago since he was in town for business. So one thing for sure is that the new chapter had begun. So lets try not to forget why I am here.
Only time will tell.
I am back.