a douchebag and his dossier through his lense, words and music
in fighting his demons
4 private posts since my last:
#1: October 9th
Today I feel sad, through my belongings,
To keep, to throw, of the things no one understands.
I cant let go.
Crawling into a cupboard,
Lie down on the bottom shelf,
Leaving the door open,
Lying down on the carpeted floor,
Chest down, legs & arms wide open.
While I was packing in the office, among the notebooks flipped read: “drunken words are sober thoughts. Listen carefully.”
I cant remember when I wrote that and why. And how far is this true.
Melancholy all around. I’m hoarding. I’m going home to be reminded of thing I forgot. But I don’t want to forget the person I have become. And I hope the things I am keeping with me will remind me of who I am right now.
My last private entry since then was October 17th, wondering on a saying that goes; people say if the person that crossed your path is your kind of person, you are bound to meet again twice. And I was worried that I have used up my quotas and misses them.
Well I headed up north last year end and met up with 2 friends which I’ve technically only met once just 2 months since I left The Netherlands. And I have met up with Andy just a month ago since he was in town for business. So one thing for sure is that the new chapter had begun. So lets try not to forget why I am here.
Only time will tell.
I am back.
life is like a never ending movie. you’re on a plane listening to something familiar and you realised your happily ever after is not just around the corner.
disturbed, angry, who made you feel like this? again.
your selfish self won’t allow you to let this control your life.
what is one to do?
if only there was a song that brings me back to barcelona because i can still feel you hong kong. xx
i was at 2 of my dear friends’ wedding down south of france. i had an amazing time. blessed to be hosted by such kind hearted people. some just more than others.
this is a tribute to tacheles. i am sadden by the news of the shut down after decades of bureaucratic wrangling.
the building itself has gone so much history and i’m blessed to have been a part of its journey as an artistic colonisation back in november 2011.
how long is now.
some of the things i gathered from tacheles during my second visit to berlin. took it off my toilet wall this morning, brought it to the office just for this. “probably the best gallery in the world.” missing berlin and all the other things that it had offered me.
how many goodbyes does one have to do in one’s lifetime?
photos and artwork courtesy of marion leeflang fotografie + grafisch ontwerp. marionleeflang.com - a dear friend.
there is nothing new about goodbyes and hellos.
i once said i cant wait to be 30, and now im curious to know how it will be like when im 40. some people are suppose to be in your life forever while some are just there to make an appearance. and love stories, some love stories are short stories. but they are love stories - all the same. wherever i’ll be and whatever it is i just hope for one thing. is that i am happy.
i will continue to share what is left of the past that is worthy and they shall forever remain in my heart. forever, i am grateful.
i like to take photos because i am obsessed with other people’s life and how a picture could capture a moment, a story, of a man’s life without even knowing the person. i am one of those that feels more than one should. and til this day, i am still the same person.
while growing up, as a kid i hear a lot of women’s equal rights advocations. women starts playing football and they want to be considered equal to men. women are being exploited in advertising, in marketing, and grooming for men was considered fagged. and now men are on their way to better looking and being equally exploited. we ain’t complaining and i am drawn to the subject.
contrary to popular believe it is not easy being a man. yes we are well known as the stronger gender and the female falls as the weaker link but there are so much heart and soul in a man that we could only imagine what goes through them, the stories that they hold within, the bearing pain and struggle, includes the soaring joy and happiness.
“and i write, i paint, i dance.”
#3: the video
gives me some conviction. featuring my friend zekry’s wife tsarina, co-owner of mollydookers coffee. they were here in may 2011, proposed on john morrison’s grave in paris and now expecting their first child.
we’ve all come a long way. ♥
that is leaving me scared, excited, lost, wanting time to stop and at about certain significant moments i want it to go fast.
i cant help to think what going back home can offer and vise versa. and feeling like this makes me feel like i want to snap out of it and help me get home already without having to cut any hours, any day or any night.
“i feel like i was having a panic attack last night. i slept way too early and i end up waking up in the wee hours of the morning searching for a cigarette that i don’t have. i put on a pair of sweat pants, a sweater and because one of my car’s headlights was not working i took the bike out for a quick ride to the night shop. i miss this. it feels like ages ago when I stand on the side walk alone and watch skagger strangers going about their sinful life. but i cant stay ‘here’ forever.”
i had thank a few people in names, before i forget. we humans forget, and we always do. of the once upon a time and of the good things. and what we most likely do not forget oddly enough and at times i wonder why are the bad things, that overcomes everything good surrounding it.
time did catch up and as trend presents itself, i tend to do things like i aint able to do it anymore, therefore, i have been doing a lot of it. and a lot of everything else.
yesterday i had a good time, today i feel like crying and i know this much is true.
“the track is shit but the cover is insane” - by self proclaimed prins heerlijk sebastiaan holszf